STORE CLERK: Hi there, are you finding everything all right?
ME: OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH!this is what they’ll find me wearing when I hang myselfOHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH! OHHH YEAHHHHHHH!
"I went to the House of Blues Friday night to see the Peter Gammons Band play Rolling Stones covers."
SI’s Peter King in his Monday Morning QB column - but also, exactly the specifics I would have used if I was writing a hilarious parody of a Peter King MMQB column.
A Conversation with my Immigrant Friend, Who Learned English Solely by Watching NFL Studio Shows
ME: Hey man, wanna get some lunch?
FRIEND: Now you’re talking about a guy in me who’s somebody you’d want to go out to lunch with, a guy you believe can go out there and order that food and consume it, and that’s a challenge that for me, personally, I’d want to step up and say, let’s do this.
ME: Uh, cool. How’s Thai sound?
FRIEND: You talk about Thai food, here’s a food known for its explosive flavors and tremendous eatability. But the bottom line is, Can. You. Win. With. Curry? And honestly, if I absolutely had to say, without question, I just don’t know.
ME: Okay, or we could just grab a salad?
FRIEND: You talk about salads, here’s a lunch option where the bottom line is, can it sustain a full meal for 60 minutes? And if you ask me, do I believe a salad can get it done out there? And to me, a full-grown man IN MY PRIME, I’m sorry— a salad just ain’t gonna get it done out there!
ME: (exasperated) Tacos?
FRIEND: You talk about tacos, here’s a lunch where the bottom line is—
ME: I’m sorry.
ME pulls out knife and stabs FRIEND in gut - FRIEND struggles against blade.
FRIEND: (dying) …you talk about a… controversial decision—
ME: Shh. Don’t. Just sleep.
My thoughts, had a time-traveler come back to 2009 to show me this 2012 graphic:
1) Kris Humphries?! Number 1??? What does he do in the future, murder a blonde and her waiter friend?
2) Whoa, LeBron is on THE HEAT?? (Time-Traveler explains “The Decision”) Wait, he really actually for real says, “I’m going to take my talents to South Beach”? Oh, FUUUUCK HIIIIM.
3) Kobe, #3. Huh. Seems low.
4) Tony Parker? Wait, let me guess— he and Eva Longoria break up because… oh! Ha, because he’s sleeping with a teammate’s wife! (beat) Oh, for real?
5) So at what point in the future do we make first contact with the alien “Metta World Peace”?
Suss and I aspire to be the Charles and Ray Eames of our times, in that we aspire to live in a fuckin’ rad house.
My pick for 2011 Book of the Year. Particularly moving was the story of how Taboo overcame the odds to find a cool belt while rooting through garbage behind the set of the second X-Men movie.
This Thursday night’s episode of Community (8 p.m./National Broadcasting Company) was written by noted redhead, chili-enthusiast, and Detroit-adjacent native Mr. Sussy Buckets! a/k/a Chris Kula. I am giving you over 48 hours notice to either:
1. Watch the show live!!!! Remember when people did that? Those were simpler times.
2. Go over to your friend Jim’s house and watch. You guys haven’t spoken in a while, wouldn’t it be nice to catch up? You can get all the awkwardness out of the way before the show starts and then let your shared laughter during those 30 minutes of Community Episode # 309 erase the awful memory of what he and your ex-wife did in the backseat of his Impala the night of your high school reunion.
3. DVR it and watch it at 10, after you jerk off to Whitney, like you do every other week.
4. Rent out the Screening Room at the Beverly Connection for a private viewing party.
5. Stream it on your computer the next day like a total freak.
These are just five options! Whatever you do, just make sure you watch. Reblog and tell everyone you know to watch! If we can get just a dozen extra people to watch, it’ll be the highest-rated episode of Community ever!!!
I’m all about option #4 - can’t wait to see it on that 19” tube!
Quantum Yeesh!
This was the original intro narration for the first season and a half of Quantum Leap. It’s a bit of breathtakingly clunky copy that reads like it was dashed off by a hungover PA while Scott Bakula waited impatiently in a recording booth:
It all started when a time travel experiment I was conducting went…”a little caca”. In the blink of a cosmic clock, I went from quantum physicist to Air Force test-pilot. Which could have been fun…if I knew how to fly. Fortunately, I had help – an observer from the project named Al. Unfortunately, Al’s a hologram, so all he can lend is moral support. Anyway, here I am, bouncing around in time, putting things right that once went wrong, a sort of time traveling Lone Ranger, with Al as my Tonto. And I don’t even need a mask… (“Oh Boy”)
Yes, it’s pretty egregious to use the phrase “a little caca” in the very first line of a primetime network show supposedly aimed at adults. And yes, that “Fortunately/Unfortunately” couplet is the stuff of grade school forensics. But I think maybe the worst offense is starting the sixth sentence with “Anyway,”— the prose equivalent of the writer shrugging and going “Welp, I got nothing here.”
“Anyway”?! In a professionally written/produced intro? Did no one ever bother to RE-READ THIS??? Because there’s a very good reason Law & Order doesn’t open up with: “In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. Anyway, these are their stories.”
“ANYWAY”?!
Oh boy.
This is the gift my lovely lil’ wife Sussy got me for our one-year “paper” anniversary.
Here’s the rub: I was planning to do the same to her with a $20. So not only did she beat me to it, she did so with an even more comedic amount. Yep, I got me a keeper.
