KULA-CON INTERNATIONAL is a celebration of all things Chris Kula would be LEGIT excited over which to geek out. Kula-Con is held at the Hilton Hawaiian Village on Waikiki (ideally in 1967, but present day would suffice).
Without further ado, the inaugural lineup…
8am - Doors Open, but it’s just universally agreed upon that nothing will get going ‘til around 10AM after we’ve all had a leisurely coffee morning
10am - Die Hard: The Five-and-Unders Panel
You know a regular Die Hard cast panel would be monopolized by Willis and Rickman (rightfully so), but I’d be waaaay more psyched to just hear from the bit players like Ellis and Dick Thornburg and each and every one of the East German All-Stars (who would be introduced not by name but by appearance or memorable dialogue— “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome ‘No More Table!’” - “Give it up for Guy at the Front Desk Who Looks Like Huey Lewis!”)
11am - Quantum Leap: “Jimmy” - A Live Reading
Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell and the rest of the co-stars do a live reading of arguably my favorite episode, in which Dr. Sam Beckett leaps into a developmentally challenged man-child in San Francisco. Would it possibly be cringe-y to see Bakula doing “retard voice” in a live setting? No way— the guy’s a pro. Also, the panel would begin and end with live performances of the Quantum Leap intro by Stop Making Sense-era Talking Heads.
Noon - Buffet Lunch
Kula-Con painstakingly recreates several of Las Vegas’ best buffets here in Hawaii. This is followed by a massively satisfying shit.
2pm - Convention Floor
We walk off the massive gorge-fest of lunch at the sprawling expo area - the booths are all vintage drum kits, midcentury furniture, retro sneakers, 1970s speakers and stereo equipment, and Nike running gear at factory outlet prices. The members of Michigan’s vaunted Fab Five walk the floor to assist you with deez. I’m sorry— “deez”? “Deez nuts in ya mouth! (beat) And also deez purchases you made— hi, I’m Juwan Howard, let me give you a hand.”
4pm - One Hit Wonderful: A Parade of Late ’90s Bands
Each band comes on, plays their hit, gets offstage. No deep cuts, no new stuff. Talking ‘bout Harvey Danger, Vertical Horizon, Dishwalla, The Verve Pipe, Eagle Eye Cherry, Eve 6, New Radicals, Lit and Semisonic closing it out with, hmm I don’t know, maybe “Closing Time”? “Actually we were hoping to play one of our other—” “Fuck you, Gary Semisonic, play Closing Time!” Then all the bands would come onstage together for a mass version of Vitamin C’s “Graduation (Friends Forever).”
5pm - 2004 Detroit Pistons: A Championship Panel - moderated by Charles Barkley
The starting five of the Pistons ‘04 title team reunites. My question from the audience is more of a request, to have Rasheed Wallace curse me out. He obliges, calling me a “goofy-ass Opie-lookin’ mothafucker,” which delights me greatly. Then they all start to go in on me— “dude’s like a gayer Ron Weasley” - “he look like damn Eric Stoltz from Mask” - “this fool whiter than Mr. Holland’s Opus” — and I’m like, “Ha, really that’s enough,” though I’m impressed by some of their references.
7pm - Kula-Con Half-Marathon w/ special guests Phish
The Con ends at sunset with an evening run paced by Phish performing live on a flatbed truck. They play the setlist of my first show - 12/6/97 - in its entirety. My wife and infant son are at mile 12 to hand me a grape Gatorade and cheer me on to the…
8:34 pm - Finish Line
I cross the finish in a personal best and realize— my plane crashed on the flight to Hawaii. I survived the crash but was then killed by a shark. (Really pathetically, too— I died begging, my last breath used for “Please no, I’ll suck your shark dick…”) I am dead, and this Con is my eternal after-life. And I’m good with that!
SEE YOU NEXT YEAR AND FOREVER!!!
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
JON HAMM enters his darkened home. He nods and sighs, triumphant. He flicks on the lights— and GASPS! Sitting in his chair is JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.
JT: A million dollar arm isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? …A BILLION dollar arm.
A beat - then Hamm smiles.
HAMM: Let’s do this.
FREEZE FRAME. “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” plays. The entire 3:59 song.
FADE TO BLACK
Disney stock goes up 8000%.
The Grand Canyon. Breathtaking in its beauty and just as mysterious. No one quite knows what the Grand Canyon is, or just how it got here. Some believe it’s the work of aliens from a far off world. Others say the Indians built it to house their games of Indian football. And religious folks will tell you it’s the gash where God fucked the earth with His celestial dick. Wow. Just imagine that!
No, I don’t think we’ll ever truly know the true story behind the Grand Canyon. But one truth I do know is: at the Grand Canyon, the views are truly GRAAAAAAND.
In loving memory of Huell Howser
Weird sponsored post in my Facebook feed.
"It’s like if I were to watch an episode of Project Runway, only it was three hours long and there was a new episode EVERY DAY. For what feels like six, SEVEN, EIGHT MONTHS IN A ROW. And sometimes there’s more than one episode per day because sometimes after watching the Detroit version of Project Runway, I like to put on the LA version and see what they’re designing that day. And then after I’ve watched SEVERAL HOURS of different Project Runways, I turn on a show that just plays highlights of all the Project Runway designs from earlier that day. And I just let this play in the background while I go on my iPad and read news and blogs and tweets about Project Runway. ‘Cause, like, I gotta know if that one designer is getting traded to a new Project Runway, or if that other designer did steroids.”
At least, I think that’s what she said, I don’t know, I was watching the ballgame.
The moment before I enter any big Hollywood meeting, I send these gals in first.
Lot of people said the Heat would CRUSH an NHL team - kudos to the Hawks for pushing them to a Game 7.