Remember to take time today to send your mom your contacts.

My loving mother passes along a great new money-making scheme.

I uncovered this rare monologue by Morgan Freeman about his first day in Los Angeles. Get busy listenin’.

Straight shootin’ Roger Goodell.

INT. 2793 NORTH KITTY HAWK - 3AM

New homeowners JAKE and TEVIN lie in bed, wide awake. We hear concussively loud DUBSTEP coming from outside - it rattles their low e bedroom window.

TEVIN: Goddamn him. Goddamn that famous chimpanzee! 

JAKE: Hon. I know. Just… try to ignore it.

TEVIN: Ignore it?! It’s been like this EVERY NIGHT since we moved in! 

JAKE: Well, I mean, we knew going in that that house belonged to a Hollywood chimp. Joan Ross of RE/MAX was very clear about—

TEVIN: Oh, fuck Joan Ross of RE/MAX! She didn’t say it would be like THIS! You need to do something.

JAKE: ME? What can I do? He has a special permit from the city of Palm Springs!

TEVIN: I don’t know, go over there and fight him or something.

JAKE: Oh, yeah. I’ll just go fight a wild animal. Great plan, Tev!

TEVIN: He’s not wild, HE OWNS A HOME IN PALM SPRINGS! 

JAKE: Okay fine, then why don’t you do something!

TEVIN: Maybe I WILL! 

Tevin reaches into nightstand, pulls out a SIG SAUER 9MM PISTOL.

JAKE: What the FUCK, where did you get a—

TEVIN: I never wanted to leave Laguna!!

Tevin shoots Jake - his face explodes. Tevin turns to the window.

TEVIN: YOU did this!!!

He puts the gun in his mouth, pulls the trigger— SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. 2793 NORTH KITTY HAWK - ONE WEEK LATER

RE/MAX agent JOAN ROSS plants a FOR SALE sign. 

JOAN ROSS: (sighs) I can’t believe this keeps happening.

“5-Hour Energy helps me power through minor facial wounds.”

Do NOT use these guys - I never saw my stuff again.

Tonight’s big winner? Pantene.

I know it’s a Valentine’s cliche, but I always like to get my wife a ride/nap on a submarine.

Americans: just HUGE fans.